How to Teach Your Dog to Bark All Day – Part 2

photo courtesy of Flickr.com/helloturkeytoe

This is the second post of a two part series. Here’s part one

Picture this: You’re hanging out on the couch, watching TV or reading a book. Fluffy is lying quietly
at your feet, chewing on a dog toy and just generally being a perfect little angel.

Then, the doorbell rings.

Your perfect angel is instantly transformed into a deafening whirlwind of “WOOWOOWOO!’s” and bushy hackles as she flies to the door to protect against the enemy at the gate. You follow, and open the door. It’s just the Fedex guy. You yell at Fluffy to shut up, but she refuses. You try to sign for the package and accept it from the delivery guy while also keeping Fluffy from launching at his throat.

I know, I know. Wow! you’re thinking. Just how can I teach my dog to do that?! It’s always useful to have a dog that barks and growls at visitors. It’s an added bonus if she doesn’t stop barking when you tell her to. After all, your judgement may not always be so great and that visitor who you thought was your grandmother might actually turn out to be a dangerous home invader intent on stuffing you into a closet and stealing your valuables. In which case, Fluffy’s insistence on yapping your guest to death would be a good thing.

Good news: this week’s lesson is even simpler than last week’s. It takes only two steps, but they are very powerful ones.

Step 1. Body language. Wait for the doorbell to ring. How you react in the first couple seconds of the doorbell ringing will have a huge impact on how Fluffy reacts. This is a good chance to test your acting chops. Your whole body should tense up as if in anticipation of Fluffy barking. To give your performance credibility, you’ll need to get into the proper mindset. Start thinking things like “oh no, Fluffy’s gonna terrorize my guests!” “I gotta get Fluffy out of here before she starts growling!” or “will that damn dog ever shut up?!”

Bolt up from your chair, hold your breath, and just generally look all stressed out. Fluffy will then say to herself: “Wow, my owner is really worried! There must be a real monster at the door!”

Step 2. Spoken language. If you did a good job with step one, Fluffy will inevitably be barking by now. Now you should start yelling. “Fluffy, enough! No bark!”
Fluffy will probably ignore you. Yell louder. Since, as discussed in last week’s lesson, Fluffy probably doesn’t speak Human, she won’t know you’re yelling at her but assume that you are barking along with her. “Sweet!” Fluffy will think. “We make quite a team!”

Better yet: If you have a child, spouse, or other housemate who takes care of the dog, start yelling for them to “grab your stupid dog!” Fluffy will assume that you are calling in the cavalry and that some serious attack must be underway.

Some Don’ts
While transforming your dog into a tasmanian devil-at-the-door, there are a few things you don’t want to do. Remember: How you react to a knock at the door will strongly influence how your dog reacts. Make sure your reaction reflects how you want your dog to behave.

So. When the doorbell rings…

Don’t: remain calm. Walking with a relaxed posture, breathing normally, or smiling will tell your dog that you are not worried. Can’t have that!

Don’t: Move slowly. If you want your dog to freak out, you need to hurry to the door! Walking slowly will only show that you don’t think there is anything so terrible at the door that you have to rush to scare it off.

Don’t: speak quietly. If you talk to your dog with a soft voice, that won’t translate as alarm barking.

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